Breathe Into Me Read online

  “Stop smiling like that. You’re giving me the creeps.”

  “Smiling like what?” She grinned bigger while twisting back and forth in the desk chair.

  “You know like what. Like the cat that ate the canary or whatever it is your grandpa used to say.” I turned and took one last glimpse in the mirror.

  “You look fine.” I heard Jess call from over my shoulder.

  “What? Oh I’m not checking how I look. I’m just making sure I don’t have any junk on my face?” Yeah, even I heard the questioning tone I had in my last statement. I guess I was busted.

  “So what’s the deal with you two?” she questioned as she kicked off the ground, giving the chair a complete spin like some five year old playing in their parent’s work chair.

  “Nothing, Jess. I just met the guy. I just figured it would be a good idea to have more than one friend, ya know? It’s obvious you and Landon there are getting a little serious. What will I do when you’re off with him if I don’t finally come around and attempt to make some new friends?”

  She stopped her spinning and stared at me for a few seconds before getting up from her chair and hugging me.

  “Kels, you will always have me. No boy will every change that. You’re my number one, babe. Sisters before misters and all that. And what in the world gave you the impression I’m starting something serious with Landon?” She let me go and took a step back.

  “Oh I don’t know, Jess, could it be the fact that I just walked in on the two of you having full-blown rabbit sex in our dorm after knowing each other a couple days?”

  She giggled. “Oh, Kelsey honey, that boy sure knows what he’s doing in the sack, let me tell ya. But that doesn’t mean I’m ready to settle down and get serious with him.” She looked down at her hands and started to pick at her fingernails.

  Yeah, keep spitting out whatever you want, Jess. I don’t believe it either.

  This boy had Jessi spinning and she was just too damn scared to admit it. My friend was used to boys falling quickly for her. She was mixed up about falling so fast, but I knew it would do her some good. She needed more than just a quick lay. Jessi deserved a guy that would treat her like the little princess she thought she was. Maybe finally being here at college would be a fresh start for us both. And if she just so happened to find love with the first guy she actually met while being here, so be it.

  “You’re impossible, Jess. Just admit you actually like him, like him.” I playfully shoved her shoulder.

  “All right, Miss Wants to Point Fingers, you know I have ten I can point right back at you. Kane.” She placed both hands on her hips. “Admit you like him, like him.” She threw my statement back in my face.

  “I don’t even know him, Jess! From the few conversations we’ve had he seems like a pretty laid back person. I will admit I do feel more comfortable around him than I should, having just met him and all. But today after class, I heard some things that throw up red flags.”

  “Oh, Kelsey don’t let gossip make you doubt your gut feeling about him. I mean, look at the shit storm we just got away from.”

  “I know, Jess. That’s why I’m going to be straight with him when we go out for coffee.”

  “Well, don’t be too rough on him. Give him a chance to clear the air.” She smiled then grabbed me by my shoulders and pointed me toward the door. “Now scoot! Didn’t you say he was waiting?”

  “Thanks, Jess. Love you! Be back later!” I called over my shoulder as I grabbed my purse and headed out the door.

  When I stepped into the lobby of our dorm, I could see Kane through the glass doors just outside leaning against a lamppost. He was talking on his cell phone. I took a minute to just look at him, he seemed to be enjoying the conversation he was having. The smile on his face was evidence of that. He threw his head back, as if he was laughing at whatever the person on the other end was saying, and I couldn’t help but wonder who he was talking to. Could it be one of the many girls that were supposedly seen leaving his apartment at all hours of the night?

  What the hell, Kelsey? What does it even matter to you? You’re just going out for coffee!

  Shaking the weird jealousy-induced thoughts from my head, I pushed open the door and stepped outside. When Kane looked up and saw me coming, he turned his head as if to throw this voice in the other direction. If that was his attempt, he failed because I could clearly hear him tell the person on the other end of the call that he would come over later that night.

  Well, so much for wondering whom he was talking to. Homeboy hasn’t even had coffee with me yet, and is already setting up his plans for after. Figures.

  “Hey, you ready?” He pushed off the lamppost and walked my way. His smile still plastered across his face. Those must be some great plans he had for later.

  “Yeah, Jessi was, uh … using the room so I had to wait for her to um, well, finish before I could get in,” I stammered.

  He let out a low chuckle, “Yeah, I kind of heard about it.”

  I looked up at him and cocked my eyebrow. He had heard?

  The questioning look on my face made him continue. “While I was waiting for you, Landon came out. He told me that he had been up to see Jessi and that you would be down in a minute.”

  Ah yes, Landon. I didn’t think about him.

  “So, you wanna get out of here? The coffee shop is just around the corner and its nice out so I thought it would be a good afternoon for a walk.”

  “Sounds perfect.”

  We walked about a block from the campus to a very small, but quaint, coffee shop. We placed our orders, and then found a nice quiet table off in the corner by itself. That was probably for the best. I was going to question him about the things Nate had told me, and I wasn’t exactly sure how it would go. He could get totally offended and go off on me for all I knew. Hell, now that I was thinking about it, if things were reversed, I would probably be offended if he were to be asking me personal questions that I … I mean he, had no business asking. But I had to do this. I had to know what kind of person I was being drawn to. I had never had someone get to me the way he does. Never had I been hung up on someone like I was him. This was all so new to me and I needed to be sure that if nothing else, I could have a friendship with Kane. That he wasn’t out to bang the new quiet college girl.

  Before I could even grab hold of my chair, Kane reached around me and pulled it out just like he had done at lunch earlier that day. He stepped back a little so I could sit down before he gently pushed it back in, and then walked around the table and took the seat in front of me.

  I lightly blew into my cup to cool the coffee down a bit, but honestly, I was merely stalling. I wasn’t really sure how I was going to start this conversation. I mean how exactly does one tell someone else that they are not just a warm body? That they are not interested in being a quick lay and then being cool to pass them on campus without so much as a hello? I sucked in the boy department. Maybe I should have pumped Jessi for some tips before I ran off and agreed to set myself up for disaster.

  Sensing my awkwardness, Kane cleared his throat and began to speak, “So, how did you feel about your first day as a college student?”

  “It was okay.” I shrugged and sat my coffee down on the table. “You better not have been lying about Professor Hanson either. That lady looks like she means business. I was right to only worry about her. Her syllabus is crazy hard, and I’m not going to lie, she kind of scares me just a little bit.”

  He laughed and took a drink of his coffee. “Believe me, I wouldn’t lie to you. The woman is a softy and she really does care about helping you further your education. Unlike some of the other no-nonsense professors, she gets that sometimes things happen in life that you have no control over, and she will work with you on getting extensions and sometimes a little extra credit if you’re behind. The woman is a godsend. She helped me out big time when I had her. I wasn’t having the best year when I had taken her class. In all honesty, she probably should have failed my pun
k ass but she never gave up on me.’

  He sat his cup down on the table and stared at the cardboard sleeve around it. I could tell he was lost in his own thoughts. Maybe about whatever had been going on with him that year that would cause him to fall so far behind like he had—but I wasn’t going to press it. I had my own secrets that I wasn’t willing to share just yet, so I was in no position to ask about his.

  “So, anyway,” I started. Might as well get this over with. Just like ripping off a Band-Aid. “You have quite the rep around here, ya know.” I tried to make my tone light so that I wouldn’t come off as a judgmental bitch.

  “Is that so?” He leaned back in his chair and casually draped one arm over the back.

  I cleared my throat before I began again, “Seems to be. I hear you are quite popular with the ladies.”

  He rolled his eyes and leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table as he stared straight into my eyes.

  “I could only guess the person you might have heard that from; but yes, I can’t lie, I have done some pretty terrible things in my past. I used a lot of innocent girls and treated them a hell of a lot worse than they deserved. But I can assure you that I have grown a lot in the past year or so. I’m not the same person I used to be. But none of these assholes around here believe it.”

  His stare was so intense. As if he wanted more than anything for me to believe him.

  Looking back down at my cup, I shrugged. “It’s not really of my business, Kane.”

  “Then why even ask?”

  His statement made me look up at him. I wanted to be honest with him because he’d been honest with me. Letting me know that in his past he wasn’t a real stand-up guy, and may have used some girls in the process, couldn’t have been easy. But I couldn’t be one hundred percent truthful with him. I couldn’t tell him that I have zero experience with guys and the pull I felt toward him scared the living daylight out of me. That his abundant amount of experience with women had me ready to run scared for the hills. So instead, I settled for as close to the truth as I could get and prayed that it was enough.

  “I just didn’t understand why. If you can get all these other girls, why would you even be wasting any time with me? Why bother taking me out for coffee? Because I can tell you right now, I’m so different from your average girl that is my age. I’m not ready to go into detail about anything just yet, but I’m not the type to hook up.” There. I said it. Now let’s see how he reacts to the fact that he’s not going to be getting any extras from me.

  He took a minute to respond, though that minute seemed like an eternity. “Kelsey, I can promise you now that I have no ill-intentions toward you. There is something about you that I can’t shake and I honestly just feel the need to be close to you. I know that sounds completely creepy, but it’s the only way I know how to explain it.” He shrugged.

  I knew all too well what he was trying to explain. It was the same pull I had felt toward him from the moment I saw him in the café.

  “Well, I am looking for new friends.” I glanced back down at my coffee because the way he was staring at me was a little intense. “Can you do that, Kane? Can you be my friend?”

  I’m so embarrassed that I let all that fall out of my mouth like that. Could I have sounded anymore babyish? Can you be my friend? I felt the need to bang my head on the table in front of me, but I refrained.

  Kane surprised me by reaching across the table to gently lay his hand on my wrist. I looked up at his face and am confused that he seems upset.

  “Kelsey, I would never try to coerce you into sleeping with me. That was never my style anyway. And why would I not want to spend time with you? I won’t lie about it, your beauty is the first thing that attracted me to you. But in just the short time that we have got to talk, I have enjoyed our conversations and can’t help but feel I want to know you better. I would never pressure you into anything, and when I say anything, I mean it. Even about your past. When you feel comfortable with talking to me about it, know that I will be here to listen. Friendship is something I need at the moment too. So I should be asking you the same question. Can you be my friend, Kelsey?”

  His lips turned up into a tiny smile and I smiled back. I’m glad he didn’t think I was a complete dork for asking for friendship. Things like that used to come so easy to me before. I never had to ask someone to be my friend. If it weren’t for the incident that changed my life forever, I would like to think that I would still have the same group of friends. But things change … people change, and life doesn’t always work out the way you think it will.

  Taking my free hand, I laid it on top of his. “Friends it is.”

  While I was so happy to have finally made a new friend—deep down in my gut, I found it hard to actually believe that one could stay just friends with someone who looks like Kane. I could be setting myself up for disaster, but at the moment, I’ll take friendship with him over nothing at all.

  The first week of classes had gone by as smoothly as one would expect college to. I was comfortable with my classes and the work that each professor assigned … and Kane had been right about Professor Hanson. After that first class, more than half the people in attendance dropped her class and she was a lot friendlier and less stern than she had presented herself to be originally.

  Jessi and Landon were still spending every ounce of free time they had together, which in turn, left me spending a lot more of my time with Kane. Every day we ate lunch at the same table, and every day after lunch, Jessi and Landon would run off to steal a few minutes of alone time before the next class began. Leaving Kane and I alone. And Kane, being the good guy he was, refused to ever let me walk to class alone.

  I was beginning to form a friendship with Nate, also. We usually only had short chats inside the class while we waited for Professor Hanson to come in, because he seemed to always avoid walking out of the class with me like he’d done that first day. I think it was because Kane was now always waiting for me outside the door and Nate wanted to avoid another confrontation. But I was finding out that Nate was quite enjoyable to be around. Though his family probably had more money than God, Nate never seemed entitled to me.

  His future involved following a plan that his father had picked out for him. He was to graduate med school and become a physician’s assistant in his father’s practice. The way he talked about it, he had no say in the matter, but he seemed to be okay with the general idea of how his life was already planned out for him. I wouldn’t be able to follow a set idea that someone had made for me, but to each his own. If he was happy following his father’s perfectly laid plan, then so be it.

  It was finally Friday and as I was packing my things up, I saw a shadow fall over me. I looked up to find Nate standing there. His million dollar smile beaming at me.

  “So she said we could pair up in groups for this next project. I thought I might see if I could work with you and your friend. Everyone else seems to have already teamed up.”

  I glanced around the room, and sure enough, you could see little groups clustering and exchanging contact information. I looked over at Jessi, who just shrugged, letting me know she was okay with the partnership.

  “Sure, that sounds fine. Why don’t you give me your cell number? That way we can text each other to go over what times and days would be best for all of us to meet up and start planning out this project.”

  “Sounds great.” He tore a corner piece of paper from the notebook he had been carrying, and scribbled his number on it before handing it to me.

  “Just text me whenever you want to meet up.” He smiled, then turned and headed for the door.

  “The way I see it, the more people in the group the less I have to do, right?” Jessi asked as she rose from her seat.

  We walked to the door, and as usual, Landon and Kane were waiting. I looked at Kane who was watching Nate head down the hall. When he finally turned to look toward me, I smiled at him and the scowl on his face immediately disappeared and turned into a full dimple
smile. The fact that he was giving Nate that look didn’t escape me though.

  “Hey, what’s up?” I placed my hand on Kane’s arm. I really wanted to know where the animosity toward Nate came from, but I didn’t want to pry.

  He glanced at me, and then back down the hall before he spoke. “So you and Nate talk a lot?” He nodded his chin in the direction Nate had exited.

  “Sometimes”—I shrugged—“Jessi and I are doing a project with him, though.”

  “Oh.”

  Even only knowing him for a short time, I could tell something was off about Kane. We had been spending a lot of time together this week, and this Kane was not the usual happy, carefree Kane that I had gotten used to. He was tense now, and you could tell his body was strung tight by the way he kept clenching and unclenching his fists. I studied him for a brief second, trying to figure out what was actually wrong, but was suddenly dragged away by Jessi before I could figure it out.

  “Come on, chick! We have an appointment to get to!” she said enthusiastically.

  It took me a minute to grasp what she was talking about, but when I finally did, I dug my pink Chucks into the ground and jerked my arm free from her grasp. Jessi whirled around to face me, red hair flying like wild angry flames.

  “I change my mind!” I stated as I crossed my arms over my chest.

  “Oh, no! No you’re not! We ARE doing this Kelsey! We have talked about this far too long to back out now.” She placed her tiny hands on her hips and glared.

  “This is all happening so fast, Jess. We just got here. We are finally getting settled and making new friends. Now we’re going to get tattoos?! Can’t we just slowly move into the next phase of this whole ‘Jessi and Kelsey free as birds, Thelma and Louise’ life you have planned?”

  “Thelma and Louise, Kels? Really? They die at the end of that movie! We are just getting a tattoo!”

  She was so not getting it. I was all up for change, I really was. That was the whole plan for going off to a college in a different state. I was ready to get away from the place that held so many bad memories, that for the past six months I had counted down the days ‘til our move here. I wanted this clean slate … hell I needed it. But I had sheltered myself for so long, that I didn’t know the fear and uncertainty that would come with the changes I was making in my life now. And honestly, now that I was finally living out everything I had said I couldn’t wait for, I was just a little overwhelmed with it all.